"This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening." Marcas repeated while looking down at a news paper on a desk. "This can't be happening!"
"It is." Edgar said standing behind Marcos. "You see it there, in the paper." Standing next to Marcas Edgar picked up the paper and looked at the headline story. "That poor girl, beaten, murdered and you did it!"
"No!" Marcas covered his ears and walked away from the desk. He looked towards the leather chare in front of the TV and "I couldn't have!" He turned toward Edgar, pointed to the chair and "I was sitting there, watching TV."
"Were you?" Edgar said sitting in the chair.
Marcas turned towards Edgar and angrily said:"Yes!"
Sitting on the TV Edgar said: "What was on?"
"Um." Marcas thought then: "I- I don't know. I forgot."
Standing in front of Marcas Edgar again accused Marcas. "You don't know because you weren't home, you were out killing that-"
"No!" Marcas turned and walked away from Edgar. "No, no, no, no! I didn't do it! I was home watching TV"
Sitting again on the TV again Edgar said: "If you were home why can't you remember what was on TV?"
Frustrated Marcas turned and yelled "I forgot! People forget things. I can't remember everything."
Standing at the desk again, looking at the paper: "Look at that poor girl. Brown hair, tan skin, brown eyes. Just like Marie."
Marcas turned towards Edgar, "Stop it!" he yelled . "Stop it right now! That was an accident!"
Liking at Marcas Edger said: "Just like Elene." emphasizing each word.
Marcas covered his ears, turned away from Edgar and: "Shut up! I could never hurt her!"
Standing in front of Marcas: "Like you could never hurt Marie?"
Marcas turned and walked away from Edgar again. "That was an accident! I never meant to hurt her!"
Standing to the right of Marcas: "Yes you did!" Standing in front of Marcas: "You couldn't have her so no one could!"
"No. It was an accident. I didn't mean to hurt her." Marcas looked down at his hands: "I- I- I just-"
"You wanted her to pay." Edgar placed his hand on his chest, "She broke your heart so she had to pay." Placing his hand back at his side, "Now you can't hurt her so you hurt them. You make them suffer for Marie's crime!"
Marcas looked at Edgar and: "No. No. I-"
"And Elene will be next."
"No!"
"She is right next door. You have a key. She is an easy-"
"No! No."
"You can stop it." Edgar stood at the desk, "You can save her." He opened a drawer, took out a gun, placed it at his head and: "Pow, its all over and Elene will be safe."
Marcas looked at Edgar.
Standing next to Marcas Edgar put in hand on Macas shoulder, "Go on-" he held the gun in front of Marcas "-just think of all those girl you will hurt if you don't."
Marcas walked towards the desk. He stopped before the desk and looked down at the drawer.
From the left of Marcas: "Go on, do it. It is the only way." Edgar said.
With trembling hand Marcas opened the drawer and picked up the gun.
"It is the only way." Edgar said. "Do it!"
Next door Elene sat at her kitchen table eating diner and reading a book. She could hear the argument from Marcas's apartment but couldn't make out what they were arguing about or who Marcas was arguing with. After a minute of silence she heard a gun shot come from Marcas's apartment. She ran to Marcas's apartment. Entering the apartment she saw Marcas standing alone, his arms at his sides, the gun still in his hand.
Marcas looked down at Edgar as Edgar lay on the floor, dead with a bullet wound on his chest. The apartment door opened, Marcas turned and saw Elien then looked down at his hand still gripping the gun, his finger on the trigger. He quickly threw the gun away.
"Are you okay?" Elien asked.
"No." Marcas answered. "I think I've done something very bad."
© 2011 all rights reserved
Reminds me of the game Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem. I do not know if that is intentional or accidental. If so it is a remarkable coincidence as some of the characters in your work has names that is *very* close to theirs.
>news paper
Is one word.
Entire thing could be formatted better in spacing/paragraphs. That is a stylistic thing though.
>Standing next to Marcas Edgar picked up the paper and looked at the headline story.
This is why commas are so important. Like this it sounds like there is one character being talked about called Marcas Edgar. Marcas, Edgar. Please insert a comma in between the two names please.
>He looked towards the leather chare
Chair, not chare. Chare is still not a word.
>He turned toward Edgar, pointed to the chair and “I was sitting there, watching TV.”
Um. He turned toward Edgar and pointed to the chair, “I was sitting there, watching TV.” Currently the location of that ‘and’ is wrong.
>”No, no, no, no! I didn’t do it! I was home watching TV”
Forgotten period.
>”Stop it!” he yelled .
Remove the space before the period.
I am unsure why you keep using “:” (example Standing to the right of Marcas: “Yes you did!” also, “placed it at his head and: “Pow, its all over and Elene will be safe.”) during dialogue. This isn’t a play. Even if it was a play it’s still being used wrong.
>Standing next to Marcas Edgar put in hand on Macas shoulder,
Once again you need a comma between Marcas and Edgar, otherwise it reads as one name, one character. Also, you misspelled your own character’s name. You forgot the ‘r’ in his name.
>Marcas’s apartment but couldn’t
Missing a comma.
>Liking at Marcas Edger said:
Comma needed and remove “:”
>Marcas turned and saw Elien
Elene.
>Next door Elene sat at her kitchen table eating diner and reading a book.
Wow. Elene must have been hungry since she was eating an entire diner. You meant dinner.
>”Are you okay?” Elien asked.
Elene.
Okay, so who is Edgar and why is he in Marcas’ house? How and why does he know that Marcas harmed girls in the past? That’s not something you tell anyone really. Also, why isn’t Elene freaked out more? A man is shot on the floor, possibly dead, and she only asks, “Are you okay?”
My phone will not let me start a new line so this will be one big paragraph. Thank you for your critique and for pointing out the spelling errors . Unfortunately the only internet access I have right now is my phone and it`s not a smart phone. Once I`m moved in a few weeks I`ll be able correct the erors. I`ve heard of the game but havn`t had the chance to play it. Elene doesn`t see Edger only Marcas sees Edger.